I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
