FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
