i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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