I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
