So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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