remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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