So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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