You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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