every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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