hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
