We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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