youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
