I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
