so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize