You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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