so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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