I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
