Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
