It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
