i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
