And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
