By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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