Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
