I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
