I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
