I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Walk of Shame today included voting.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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