why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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