There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Randomize
