shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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