Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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