as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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