My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
