So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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