I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need a beard to bite.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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