i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
