My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
