I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
