I could make wine with my vomit
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
