you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
