I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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