i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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