Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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