i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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