Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
