Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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