At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Life is so much better after having sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
