I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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