I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
