I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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