so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
