i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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