Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
