So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize