i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
