Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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