normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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