how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
