Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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