I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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