if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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