i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
