How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
