True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
