Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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