Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize