I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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