My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
