I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
