Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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